She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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