Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
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I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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