I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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