I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
love makes seman taste better
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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