just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
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I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
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School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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