Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
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I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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