if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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