If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
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He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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