I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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