I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize