Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
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You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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