I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
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She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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