im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
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Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
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I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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