cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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