this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
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there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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