Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
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He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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