I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
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SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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