I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
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Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
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The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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