True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
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he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
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They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
We smell like vodka and hangover
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