One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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