yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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