He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
my liver is dry heaving
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
God, I missed his penis.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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