Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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