apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
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I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
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There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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