my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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