bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
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time to smoke my breakfast
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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