No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
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Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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