I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
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If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
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NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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