the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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