Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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