I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
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Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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