Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize