I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Can I color on your dick again?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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