I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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