video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
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I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
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I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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