the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
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Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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