i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
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Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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