if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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