I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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