At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
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Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
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Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize