so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
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Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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