I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
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It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My vagina just clenched in fear
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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