Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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