it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize