I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
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sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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