Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
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I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
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I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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