that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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