Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
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crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
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we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize