i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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