Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
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Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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